Peer pressure, and pressure by the media, make our children believe that happiness is to be found in mobile phones, brand name clothing, the latest toys or gadgets and computers. To know what really makes our children happy, it is necessary to distinguish between their material and their emotional needs.

The extent to which parents can fulfil the material needs of their children is, by enlarge, dependant on the unique financial situation of the family. The things we buy, though, bring only joy and satisfaction in the short term and cannot provide lasting happiness. The fulfilment of a child’s emotional needs provides lasting feelings of security and happiness to the child. Emotional needs can only be satisfied through the genuine commitment, love and time of parents and cannot be bought with money. Children need the continuous encouragement, acceptance and acknowledgement of their parents just as much as they need food and a warm bed.

Someone said one day: “You are a child for 18 years and then it takes you a life-time to get over it”. This is true when a child is emotionally neglected and experience rejection from either or both parents. Many times the parent tries to compensate for his or her absence by overloading the child with material possessions. The wounds, that an absent or uninvolved parent causes, lead to feelings of rejection. Any form of rejection causes emotional and identity problems, which will eventually influence the child’s adult life.

An happy child is one who feels that he or she is unconditionally accepted, and that his unique character is respected. This is also the child with an healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. Both parents play the most important role in forming the identity and self-esteem of the child. In families with only one parent it is a good idea to identify a granddad, friend or family member as a role model for the child to fill the gap left by the parent that is not there anymore.

Which things do we need to do in order for our children to be really happy?

1. Nothing makes children feel so happy, secure and safe than parents that give their own relationship and marriage very high priority. The children should accept that mom and dad consider each other more important than their children.
2. Use words of encouragement, acknowledgement and compliments abundantly towards your children. Make frequent use of the opportunity to compliment your child’s good behaviour. All children need to be reprimanded regularly but your reprimands should never exceed your compliments and positive words. Too much destructive criticism will cause children to lose heart and will lead to a low self-esteem. The child will always feel like a failure and incapable of doing things right. He will believe: “I am dumb, stupid and useless”.
3. Physically touching your child is of extreme importance. Be sure to touch and hug your children at least once a day. A good guideline for all ages is to hug your child until he lets go first. Do not neglect to do this when they are older. They still need to be touched. Do it only at home if they do not want to be hugged in front of their friends! Regularly (preferably daily) tell your child: “I love you”.
4. Communication is key in having a good relationship with your child. Don’t be afraid to discuss ANYTHING with your child. Start at a young age to discuss his or her sexuality at a comfortable level. This will make discussion of these matters easier during puberty.
5. Live yourself what you teach. Your true character, integrity and self-discipline cannot be hidden from your family. Do not expect your children to do things you are not prepared to do yourself.
6. Teach your children good values, character and life-skills. Discuss life with them e.g. communication, respect, integrity, honesty, emotional maturity, self-control, self-discipline, management of personal finances. Do not rely solely on the school or church to teach your children this.
7. As parent, you have the right to say NO to your child. Parents are sometimes afraid to stand up for their values and principles. Principles never change. Never think your principles are outdated and not applicable anymore. Our children would like us to believe that in order for us to allow them to do things we know are not good for them. Don’t fall for “But everyone else does it”. When you refuse, your child will be angry with you for a couple of hours but will recover. He will understand one day and thank you for his strict upbringing. Be careful, though, of being over-protective because it will frustrate the child and harm your relationship. When your child asks your permission to go somewhere, do not overreact by immediately refusing. Ask your child time to think about it and give him an answer later. Get as much information about the event (venue, are there supervision, what do they plan to do, which other children will be there, etc.) to allow you to make an informed decision. Contact other parents to hear what they feel. Many times they feel the same but are afraid to say something. Befriend the parents of your child’s friends and support each other on mutual values. Agree on rules you all feel are important. If you decide the child may not go, and he is unhappy about it, suggest something else. Invite a friend to sleep over, go to the movies or something your child will enjoy. It is preferable, in cases where your child goes somewhere without your supervision, to take and fetch him yourself. Be contactable if he feels uncomfortable and wants to go home.
8. You can have a wonderful friendship with your child but at times you will need to be the parent in the relationship. Don’t try so hard to win his friendship that you are afraid to counter him.
9. Don’t be upset or afraid when your child is angry. If he doesn’t feel like loving you or ignores you, leave him alone. He will recover. But do not lower yourself to his level by losing your self-control. Stay calm and continue to handle him with love. If you did lose your self-control, which happens to all of us at some time, stop the conversation, calm yourself, apologize to your child and discuss the problem in peace. Later, when it’s over, discuss methods to control anger and frustration. Be honest about your own shortcomings and ask your child to assist you.
10. Parents want to protect their children and get very upset when other children hurt them or do not want to be their friends any more. Try not to get unnecessarily involved. Teach your child to defend himself (especially in the case of boys!). Mothers do not want boys to fight back but sometimes it is necessary for him to maintain his masculinity. It is, nevertheless, important for him not to be defiant and not to be the first to be aggressive. In balance, he needs to learn to be humble, to forgive and to apologize. If you interfere as parent, you will sometimes find that the parents of the children are still cross with each other while the children have already made friends again!
11. Parents with emotional problems raise children with emotional problems. Get counselling for your wounds so that the next generation is not burdened with your baggage.
12. Have a genuine interest in your child’s activities. Go to great lengths to attend his matches, concerts, everything he participates in. Even if you have no passion for his particular interest, encourage him, learn more about it and even try to participate with him. Acknowledge, appreciate and respect the unique character and needs of each child. Things that one of your children enjoys, the other may have no appreciation for. Never expect your child to share your own interests. An happy child is one who knows that his parent’s love is unconditional and that he is accepted and respected as an unique person.
13. Mom and Dad should spend time alone with each child on a regular basis. Make an appointment with him and plan an activity of his choice together. Your full attention and lots of communication with lots of eye-contact should be the main focus of such events. Cycling, hiking, tennis, camping, board games are all activities that children enjoy and do not necessarily have to cost anything. Although it may not seem so, our children need our time more than our money! These special times together are especially important for children to identify with their dad. Fathers must also be careful not to withdraw from their daughters when they enter their sensitive years of puberty. His acceptance of, interest in and love for her during this phase of her life will be of incalculable value to her identity as a woman.
14. Do regular activities as a family. Continuously build fond memories with your children. Picnic, swim, hike, cook, play cards, read humorous short stories, tell jokes and entertain each other with stories of previous enjoyable times together as a family. These memories will later be the anchors that the child will hold on to when tempted by life. Although gatherings of the extended family or socializing with family friends are also important, be sure that you do not always go on vacation or socialize in the company of other people. Children have a need for your undivided attention. Remember: A family that pray together have a better chance to happiness and good relationships. Your children must hear how you pray for them and bless their lives.
15. Have regular house meetings. At this forum, each member of the family should be free to discuss any matter that concerns them. Children should learn how to make their point without breaking down another member of the family. First prompt them for matters that make them happy and then for those that make them unhappy or that they will like to change. Don’t be upset if the meeting ends up in tears. Leave enough time to immediately address any issues that are uncovered at the meeting. Give the children ample warning ahead of the meeting to think of matters that are important to them that they would like to discuss. Matters like pocket money, tidiness, house rules, obedience and the planning of activities can be discussed here. Decisions can be minuted for follow up at the next meeting. Always start the meeting with positive feedback about the behaviour of the children.

Food for thought

A mother and father can do their best to be good parents, but it is still no guarantee that their child will make a success of his life. The child still has the freedom of choice how he will react to their leadership. The success of parenthood, therefore, is not measured by how our children turned out but how clean our conscience is before God about what we did with His precious gift.

In acknowledgement to my wise and beloved wife, Anette.